Lesbian Vampire Killers (2009) – Horror Film Review

Lesbian Vampire Killers (2009)Director Phil Claydon’s comedy-horror film, LESBIAN VAMPIRE KILLERS was released on region 2 DVD this week, with no sign of a region 1 release. Mathew Horne and James Corden, fresh from their roles in GAVIN & STACEY star as luckless losers Jimmy and Fletch. Having read many reviews of this film, most of them not favourable, I was intrigued enough to take a look for myself. I was expecting to be gravely disappointed, but much to my surprise LESBIAN VAMPIRE KILLERS is actually not that bad. The title suggests that there will be horror, sex and laughs, and to some degree we get all three, but not in equal measure.
The B-movie style opening credits were a nice touch and an early sign (if the title Lesbian Vampire Killers hadn’t given the game away already) that this film does not take itself too seriously. We start with a flashback to the middle-ages when Carmilla Queen of the Vampires (she’s also a lesbian of course) is slain by Baron Wolfgang McLaren the third. In her death throws she curses the village of Cragwich, so that henceforth every female villager who turns eighteen will turn into a lesbian vampire.
In the present Jimmy (Horne) and Fletch (Corden) have troubles of their own. Jimmy’s slut of a girlfriend has left him for the sixth time, and Fletch can’t hold down the simplest of jobs; he’s fired from his gig as a clown. Why a clown? Well, clowns look funny don’t they? Chubby, miserable clowns look even better. This film is all about the cheap laughs.
In an effort to cheer themselves up, and after several pints, they agree to go on a hiking trip. When they throw a dart into the map to decide the location of their adventure, fate deals them a cruel blow: Cragwich. Upon arrival in the town, the boys join a group of hot girls in a VW camper van and head for a cottage in the wood, both hoping to score (Fletch is more like desperate to score!).
Of course, the lesbian vampire population are hell bent on turning all the pretty girls into vampires, killing the boys and resurrecting Carmilla . Coincidently, Jimmy is a direct descendant of Baron Wolfgang McLaren the third, and as such is the only one who can defeat the evil Vampire Queen should she return, and even then, only with the help of the mighty sword of Dialdo. The night quickly turns into a fight for survival for the boys, who not only have to save themselves, but all of mankind.
lesbian-vampire-killersAnybody watching Lesbian Vampire Killers for the hot lesbian action will be sorely disappointed, there isn’t any. O.K. there’s the odd kiss and caress, and the occasional bare breast, but generally speaking, the whole lesbian thing is a gimmick to make teenage boys pick up the DVD. The girls are hot, however, and unfortunately spend way too much time looking hot, and not enough time being satanic! Horror fans will also feel cheated, as there’s a distinct the lack of gore. Claydon has opted to use white goo instead of blood for the vampires, so when they are slain, there’s nothing scary to see.
The comedy however, got a bigger slice of the pie. O.K. it’s puerile, but in many instances, it is funny, and in the odd instance, it’s very funny. I laughed…. so shoot me. It’s not classy, it’s not clever, but something about the way Corden delivers it had me smiling most of the way through Lesbian Vampire Killers. In fact Corden carries this movie and Horne is pretty boring considering he’s meant to be the hero of the hour. His character was bland, but in fairness Corden did get the lion’s share of the good lines. Everyone else was obviously cast for their good looks, and in that sense they were perfect, but they had little to say for themselves.
The set was tiny. It felt as if the characters were running through the same bit of woodland over and over again, and I’m guessing that’s because they were running through the same bit of woodland over and over again. It reminded me of Scooby Doo! Obviously Lesbian Vampire Killers is a low budget movie, but Claydon worked well with what he had and the finished product is actually pretty good. The surround sound is used effectively; what bit of woodland they had was suitably creepy; the cottage in the wood made a pretty convincing set, and I loved the American Werewolf in London moment when the boys first entered the village pub and there was that sudden eerie quietness with all the local yokels just staring.
If you want sex and violence, choose something else, but if you want to see a fat bloke running round the woods making wise cracks while trying to save his own skin, then Lesbian Vampire Killers is the film for you. Yes, it’s pure nonsense, but it’s a good bit of fun.

Region 2 DVD Special Features

  • Making of featurette
  • Audio Commentary with Director Phil Claydon
  • Webisodes
  • Fletch-Meister (Fletch’s Words of Wisdom)
  • Whores of F**king Hades (Swear Reel)
  • VV Brown Crying Blood Music Video
  • Trailers

LESBIAN VAMPIRE KILLERS (2009). Directed by Phil Claydon. Written by Paul Hupfield, Stewart Williams. Cast: Mathew Horne, James Corden, Lucy Gaskel, Emma Clifford. Travis Oliver, Silvia Colloca